I could wait around for the dust to still

I have returned.

2009-12-23T06:41:45Z

So since I don't have schoolwork hanging over my head (a nice feeling), I figured I'd update.

I was both lazy and busy this semester. I took a baby load of 12 hours, but I also kept working to have money for the house bills, etc., and I was doing MHO work. Sometimes I feel so below average in MHO because I'm the only officer who's not a MAPS. Kate gave up her secretary position to Ashleigh, which doesn't change anything, except that Ashleigh is probably even more scholarly than Kate. GAH. Next to these people I feel pretty insufficient. I don't even know how people were convinced to vote me treasurer. Well, hopefully by the end of the year everyone's drive will have rubbed off on me. ANYWHO, back to the original subject of the paragraph; since I slacked a bit, I ended up with 2 Bs, in macroeconomics and in American government. And I was sure I was going to get one in honors world lit as well, because I am a pathetic English major and slacked in that too. BUT, I wrote a BEAST of a final for lit class, so I BEASTED that class with a freaking A!!! Our first paper we wrote, Weathers said I "lacked argumentative edge" and gave me a B+. So I made sure to pack my final with all the argumentative edge I could muster. I'm sure Mrs. Foster would have been proud. And I made an A in theatre, which is not saying much since there was little depth to it. I slacked the whole semester to some degree, but came out relatively ok. This happens too often.

Speaking of Mrs. Foster, I should email her or something. I'm sure she'd love to hear from me. I need to read her book and show her some progress on my novel, which I really need to get on. I started more random scenes, which isn't terrible, but I need to get some more progress on the beginning and get the whole story to start flowing.

I also decided to chronicle the adventures in the house with Rachel, Kayla, Christy, and Bailey. I meant to make a video diary before leaving, but oh well. I'll remember enough, and it'll be fiction so who cares if it's not identical to what happened. I'm not even sure if I'll have as many characters as everyone who was there. But there will definitely be a story happening. This semester was too eventful to let the source of inspiration go to waste.

Barnes & Noble has started getting more eventful as well, what with sales building up since Black Friday. We hit $20000 for the first time in a long time a couple of weeks ago, and the parents are buying their brats goodies for Christmas now. It disgusts me how I see parents spoiling their kids the week of Christmas. But I guess that's judgmental of me. Still, if I have kids, I will teach them contentment and gratefulness. I still make mistakes on the job, but I've gotten to where I don't care that much anymore. I still do, but it doesn't bother me as much. My job is not my life, and I still know how to not be bitter about it. I woke up with a sore throat and raspy voice today, and I still went to work. How's that for dedication? I think everyone was thoroughly impressed that I didn't weasel my way out of work 3 days before Christmas. At least, they should have been. But anyways, I'm glad I went because it wasn't so bad, and it was funny when I talked, at least to me. And I met Kellie's son PJ. He was hanging out in the breakroom, and he mentioned Relient K to Howie and Shane. I said I'd listened to them and explained who they were to Shane and Howie, who apparently didn't know of them. So PJ then had a somewhat in-depth conversation with me, and Shane and Howie and Faisal were all amused that he called me "ma'am." Lawl. Kellie later mentioned, "I heard you made quite an impression on my child." Pleasant kid.

I think happiness, hope, and love can be choices. Maybe it's just easy for me right now, but those are what I'm choosing. This Thanksgiving I really tried to make the most of the holiday by being grateful for what I have and not take things for granted. I think if I remember all my blessings I really can avoid becoming the bitter adults I see at work. I want to enjoy the time I have in this life, not waste it waiting for each day to end because I hate it so much.

I also want to do better in school and be a responsible 20-year-old. Let's see if I want it enough to make that happen.

Discussing my noveling makes me want to work on it. Since I don't have school to worry about now, I'm going to. Huzzah.

Well...

2009-11-20T06:44:40Z

I'm twenty.

And I still want to watch Avatar and Disney movies and various other childish things.

gracys_reality @ 2009-11-12T23:29:00

2009-11-13T05:29:39Z

I am going to lose my scholarship. I can't push myself.

I wish I had a million dollars. Then my parents would leave me alone about my grades.

This is very high school, I know. Maybe it's a result of being too studious too soon. I ran out of motivation in 8th grade either because I finally learned what it was like to have friends or I was doing too well before then and it couldn't last.

Maybe I'm just making excuses. The simple truth is, I am lazy. I hate it, but not enough to change it, and I hate that as well, thus making an unending unstoppable cycle of self-loathing.

I just want to write fiction and study the Bible and apologetics...apart from being on the internet and reading books.

the truth

2009-11-10T08:31:52Z

Fact: I have overall been very happy this semester and I am grateful for my friends who are very dear to me.

Fact: There are times when I also feel very, very lonely.

Fact: Jesus Christ is my everything and the best Friend I will ever have because He loves me and has a plan for me and where I will end up, and I firmly believe that His love does not fail. He will always be there and He will always be watching over.

Fact: Even knowing that, being in a physical world I still struggle with this very lonely feeling.

House, people, and this funny li'l world.

2009-07-28T20:05:47Z

Wow, much has happened since I was last on here.

Well, my friends Bailey, Christy, and Kayla stated the process of moving into the house, and since I'm still working I was just waiting on off-days to fully move in. Then I visited the house when the others were moving, and when I got there, a whole cleaning crew was working on the place while the others were painting their rooms.

This house was absolutely filthy. Dead bugs and cat hair and dirt everywhere, floor, stairs, and furniture. And the guys in the house before us had left a lot of stuff that they have yet to pick up. It should have been left clean and more bare, and actually the realty lady Ms. Letta should have made sure that the guys were doing a better job of moving out. We were supposed to be in there July 1 and there was still a guy in there the 16th! Good grief! And the owner could only be contacted by Letta's emails, which is of course sketchy. We went through a long pain-in-the-butt process to get in there to find a whole mess and way later than we should have.

Well, sometime a few days later I get down there to paint my room and I have my sister with me because she had no one to hang out with and I wanted to spend some time with her and I wanted her to meet my friends...because I am hopeless and want to spread and breed love and happiness and friendship. So I get to the house to look at my room and make final plans for what I want to do and grab a coupon I had left. Then the other girls get there (they had been at SOAR helping out for Ecclesia). I say hi and try to introduce my sister. Other than saying hi back and briefly noting my sister, they just blow by with all these shopping bags. They were really unfriendly, and I really didn't expect that. Out in the front yard I see Bailey and Brett and talk to them, ask if they need help. Bailey says they got stuff for the yard and are doing "group work," and indicates that it would be nice if I helped out. Ok, firstly thanks for letting me know that there were group projects going on. Secondly, I already had plans for working on my room. I really didn't appreciate the lack of communication there. I do admit that a couple times I said said I would be down to the house and showed up later than they probably expected. That's a bad habit of mine because I am a slow person in general. But if I had known they were doing that stuff, I would have made an earlier start on my room and tried to help them all out.

I told Bailey I needed to leave to get stuff for my room and she said to take my time. Then in the car my sister totally unloads this anger on my behalf and says that was the most high school thing that she had ever seen and that they should have talked to me more and let me know what their problem was if they had one. And she asked me a bunch of questions, like if they had known that I wasn't totally moving in yet which yes they did, and if we were all really friends. Yes, we were, though Kayla I don't know as well. My sis said if we were friends and Christians, we all should know to treat each other better and that they should be more upfront with me and communicate better. She didn't like a single one of them at that point. However, Bailey and Brett redeemed themselves in her eyes later when we had gotten back and they offered to help me paint and talked to me more. I also told everyone to let me know what other projects I could help with when I got back. So hopefully there won't be anymore of that crap. Though...

A couple days later I'm with my mom and sis and their friends, going to the beach. Bailey texts me to say that guess what, our house is being foreclosed on because the owner sold it on the freaking 7th and was going to take our money for as long as he could. That was a huge mess but it's working out now since Christy's dad is a judge and longtime friends with the attorney handling the foreclosure, and the bank's leasing the house to us, and things are working out in our favor. But the former owner is a scumbag.

So things are working out. I kind of miss Rachel because I don't have that kind of unfriendly drama with her, but she doesn't really know the other girls as well so hopefully i haven't led her into something that she's going to regret. Sigh. It's times like these that Christy and Bailey seem kind of cold toward my other friends. Kayla doesn't seem to gel easily either. All these years I've been told about my ice-cold personality and how people think I'm such a snob because I'm not receptive to people and I'm unfriendly. I feel like they're being that way though, and really I just want all my friends to be happy and be friends with each other. I don't want this drama tension crap. Go away!

I miss my other friends too.

Sigh.

Thoughts, anyone

When you believe...

2009-07-08T20:11:44Z

I got my wisdom teeth out, so I have a fat face.

Other than that, life feels pretty nice right now. I've been blessed with a lot. I'm lucky to be able to get good painkillers and other things I need. I have a lot of friends. I have a job and I can make money to get what I need. And in a couple of days I can eat real food again.

I'm pretty happy.

And you curse yourself for things you've never done...

2009-06-30T00:11:28Z

There are some things I will never understand. There are some things of which I am thoroughly convinced. There are lots of things I wish I could fix and wonder if I still can, or if I would just be causing more damage.

I feel awful. But I'm know what I did that was right, and I refuse to compromise that.

The papers for the house came. I'm glad. This is going to be expensive though. But I think it's going to be worth it.

I'm praying for a miracle every day.

I just wanna walk you home, I just wanna walk you home

2009-06-24T05:02:32Z

I've had a cold, but I'm getting better.
Hurts are healing and I've found some closure.
Tomorrow I work 1 to 9.
Theraflu is good.

I am quite happy at this time.

Writer's Block: When I Was Young

2009-06-24T04:40:23Z

What do you miss most about being a kid?

Submitted By daeinleyof

View 505 Answers

The total absence of acne.

Work and not work-related

2009-06-19T06:49:32Z

La la la.

I was getting tired of my job, but over the past week I've reached a level of comfort with it that surpasses all others in the past. This is probably because Bo, one of the managers, was on a few days' vacation. It's not that I don't like her, but I feel like she thinks I'm a moron. Few things go right for me when she is around, and new questions pop up that I feel like I should already know the answer to. I've been working there on and off about 2 and a half years, so I should have learned a lot...more than I do, it feels like. But there's some things I'm still picking up. There's things no one ever clued me in about. There's some situations that arise only every once in a while, so in between those times I forget how to respond. GAH! 'Tis frustrating. But I do like it, and I've become more comfortable with some people. And two other booksellers have told me they feel the same way about Bo. Yay. It's not just me. And I know she at least likes or tries to like me, because she gives me compliments on how well I do in the kids' section, etc.

Anyways, the point is I recently came to enjoy work a lot more, and Bo just makes me self-conscious but she has that effect on other people too. I think Gerry also thinks I'm a naive little idiot, but he enjoys telling me stories. What? The other day he asked me how I was doing, and I said "Great!" in an unusual way, and he asked, "Really, what's brought that on?" "Oh, I just feel good about life." And he laughed and muttered, "Young people." I'm starting to think he's just a bitter old fart, but I'm not going to let it bother me. I'm trying to be more open and friendly at work and cast off my natural shell of formality, so I'm just going to ignore things like that and try to radiate a more delightful energy.

And today I answered the phone at home and had to stop myself before I said "Barnes & Noble at Patton Creek, how may I help you? Lawl...my sister noticed too and was like o_0. So I kind of blanked out because I KNEW that wasn't the right thing to say, haha. I just said "...Hey." Which still wasn't what I would normally say, but better. And it was my mom on the phone. Ha.

Oh, work.

Now about things that are NOT work...

I finally finished The Catcher in the Rye and started on Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrel. If it doesn't pick up soon I might drop it and move on. I have discovered by way of Eragon and Twilight that such a thing is quite alright and always an option if needed. Especially with the long wait list I have. So many books...

I am also so frustrated about a person I wish I could audibly speak to, who I wish would listen to everything I have to say and tell me everything I want to hear.

I want to be a stronger, smarter, better person.

I want to find someone. Sometimes I want it so much and it hurts. Other times I tell myself to do what I can to get along on my own. I want to feel how I did over Christmas break, but without the guilt, the anxiety, and knowing that I could so much better. I want someone I should be with, who would be good for me, and who loves the Lord like I do. I'm not messing with that other crap again. I'm not sacrificing standards or letting it slide. Yeah I feel lonely sometimes, but maybe I just need to refocus on something. Maybe God wants something extra out of me that I need to figure out. I have firm faith that everything will work out in His timing. And maybe what I want isn't what He wants. If so...I'll honor that.

I've been convicted that I didn't really live out my convictions much during the school year. Some of them yeah...didn't ever get trashed, didn't really misbehave. But others I just should have spoken up more about. I'm too quiet. I need to use my voice. But then I wasn't quiet enough when I talked about certain people. I hate that I talk about people. There are so many things I hate about myself, you'd be convinced I have a complex.

Bah. Enough with late night rambling. And life is still good, I just think too much sometimes.

Writer's Block: Talking Ducks

2009-06-09T07:28:35Z

Happy birthday, Donald Duck! Which cartoon character do you think is the most disturbing?

View 500 Answers

SpongeBob Squarepants

I can't believe it's you in there

2009-06-01T17:20:53Z

I'm sick of feeling inadequate and worrying about what others think. I would say "No more", but it's not that easy. It's hard not to worry about others thinking I'm some moron because I know to them that's their reality, that's what I really am. I shouldn't worry about it because I know that won't change and I can't do anything to change it. I just need to find something more important to focus on. I'm going to try really hard to make it like those people don't exist to me. I should just work on my strengths and do what makes me me instead of trying to fit someone's image of what I should be. When I think that way it's a lot easier to be content with who I am. Of course, that mindset is put to test when the challenging scenario arises, but that's how it goes. I suppose as I get older and mature it will become easier. It already has, actually. I've come a long way from the bitter shy girl I was in high school. Sometimes I kind of revert back to that, like at work when Bo is the working manager. Somehow she just brings out that side of me. Keith kind of does too. They both think I'm a child that can't learn anything, and it's hard to be friendly on a personal level with them. Oh well. Every day is a learning process.

I am disgusted with men lately. No one wants to be a leader, it seems. No one cares about proving themselves to anything more than a dick. Is it really so hard to be a genuine, compassionate human being with integrity? But like I said, I should find more important things to focus on.

I bought the movie Taken and my sister loves it like I do. We both want to have super-duper action moves like Bryan Mills. He is my new hero. And I want to take down the sex slave trade. Fairly ambitious, I know. But that's what I'll work for when I'm stinking filthy rotten rich.

I've worked on my novel a bit more recently. It's going somewhat slowly because I didn't have a clear picture of how I wanted the story to begin. I started out by just writing out random yet very vivid scenes that came to me and I didn't want to lose those or forget about them. I have quite a few of those, and my working summary. Now I'm trying to finish up the first and second chapters. After that things should go rather smoothly for a while, until I hit the next writer's block. Once I'm done with the first draft, I'll probably try to polish it a little, then let Mrs. Foster read it. I really want her to see the story since she's helped me a lot with my writing and my goals. I'm also scared that she's going to pass sometime soon because of her MS. She's retired now. I hope she's able to stick it out for a while. She's a wonderful person and she taught me a lot in high school.

Writer's Block: Rabbit Rabbit!

2009-06-01T16:15:46Z

It's the first day of the month. If you could have one wish come true this month, what would it be?

View 502 Answers

to stop caring about a lot of crap and become a superspy with better things to do

Writer's Block: There Can Be Only One

2009-05-23T05:25:49Z

Do you believe in monogamy?

View 501 Answers

Yes. No one should settle for less.

the truth

2009-05-18T14:09:28Z

I had dinner at Panera with my friend John last night. We caught up, discussed what we're doing now, past drama, etc. It was really nice to talk to someone from high school who was a good friend and not the source of a whole bunch of drama from then. Talking with him made me realize that a lot of the things I've been holding onto don't matter.

It's something people have kept telling me, but honestly not everyone can hit me the way he did. I've tried telling myself the same thing, and they're just things I haven't been able to let go of. I guess it had something to do with old environments versus new ones. Being with an old friend from before everything that happened put things into perspective.

I don't mean that my newer friends don't mean anything to me. They are very valuable to me and I'm thankful for them and I like hearing what they have to say. John and I have just done a lot of changing together, and he's very mellow about some things but still sincere.

Anyway, life feels great. And now I have to leave for my biology class.

done

2009-05-08T03:16:55Z

Finals are over, and now I'm cleaning out.

And my friends and I got the house we want to live in next year.

I should be rejoicing still, but I'm kind of tired, and there's so much stuff.

QC

2009-05-04T05:21:11Z

a favorite quote from Faye:

"Aw, boo! You're supposed to screw the Man! Screw him so hard he thinks he's a Lady!"

lolz

I love this web comic. I would say I love it too much, but such a thing does not exist.

O PMS

2009-05-02T05:49:10Z

The truth is, I feel useless and kind of alone.

Work sucks. I keep screwing up.

I want someone to talk to.

I know I keep saying Life is good, and I know that it really is, but I feel pretty down in the dumps right now. I want someone physically present to hug me. No stupid texting or IMing. I want someone to be close to. I want someone here with me so that I don't feel compelled to leave emo LiveJournal entries.

Bah

2009-04-24T05:20:08Z

I feel like a moronic English major, and I am sure that my English professor does not at all like me.

But I am determined to do better.

Stagnant

2009-04-22T05:15:01Z

I've reached a very happy place. Things are going right. I feel better than I've felt all semester. I've gotten over a huge bit of what was bothering me, and still trying to get over the rest. But I'm getting there.

With my academics though, I'm not feeling very driven. I feel stagnant, and like my feet are endlessly dragging the ground. I don't manage time, and any goals I set are immediately lost, it seems.

I guess I've always been a here and now person in that way. I wish to be more energetic and productive, but i don't make the effort and don't have the energy. I'm just like some bum sucking up space, just wanting to do whatever's fun. It shouldn't be that way. I know that's incredibly lazy. But that's how I feel right now.

AHHHH!!!

2009-04-19T05:17:05Z

omg...Okay so it's been planned a long time to dye my hair before seeing Wicked while it's in town. Black and lime green, like Elphaba's colors in the poster/logo/icon. We're dyeing it black and leaving some strips natural to spray in temporary lime green.

No permanent artificial color has ever touched a single hair on my head. I'm freaking out on the inside a little, or I was. I just rinsed out the little Hannah put in, and I think it's pretty so far.

There's definitely not enough dye because I have enough hair for five people on my head. So Hannah and Loran and Rachel are all at/ coming back from WalMart to get me more black dye. In my car. I forgot why, but Rachel's car....needs gas maybe.

<just realized that now would be the perfect time for the "Check Engine" light that has been on all week to become a problem>

0.0 ...Shiznit.

If my car breaks down while these guys are out using it to get hair dye for me at midnight, then they just became awesome to the next power.

Questionable Content and Loo Privacy

2009-04-17T05:26:17Z

Kay, so Marten and Steve go to the bathroom together while on their double date with Dora and Ellen, and apparently Marten has a thing about being looked at while peeing. And the author/artist comments that so does he.

This parallels with an episode in Scrubs, in which Cox smarts off to Turk for trying to be buddy-buddy and make eye contact whilst proceeding with business.

So...if that many guys find it that disturbing, why not just put urinals in stalls and piss in privacy as girls do? And don't they have toilets as well in men's bathrooms? For, you know, Number 2 purposes? If so, couldn't the guys just use the toilet for Number One as well?

AHHH! I feel like this is something I should know, but I KNOW that it's okay that I don't because it is not socially acceptable for me to venture into the men's room! So don't look at me that way! I'm ignorant, and I'm supposed to be. I'm a woman! Entrance to the other restroom requires a penis!

Okay, so maybe I did mosey in there once...but that was before I quickly realized where I was and exited. It did not occur to me to observe my surroundings when I realized why the people in there were shooting me double-takes...because I was not of their gender, and therefor forbidden to enter. Lawlz. Whoopsie.

I love the comments from the guy who created Questionable Content...or do I love him? Haha.

Strip 231: Steve is our collective avatar, gentlemen. Let us witness his struggle against his own better judgement and think back on similar experiences in our own lives.

HEAR THAT, SCUMBAG??? HE'S TALKING TO YOU. Except you're not a gentleman.

Writer's Block: Helping the Less Fortunate

2009-04-17T04:12:31Z

What do you do for those who are less fortunate than you? What do you wish you did more of, if anything?

gracys_reality @ 2009-04-16T00:39:00

2009-04-16T06:05:28Z

Whenever he texts, I keep the messages. I go through them, reading them and wondering what I could have said to cause him to feel more guilty.

I really didn't think he would ever text again. But he did, saying "Happy easter." I found out later it was a group message, but still. I responded with "..." since I was bewildered that he would send something like that. We ended up having a long conversation. He admitted "yeah, maybe I should have told you anna and i were still physical."

Asshole.

But he refuses to take responsibility for anything still. I said I didn't know how someone could be so heartless.

"Well I was angry." No fucking way. Really? Do you even realize how hurt and angry I was, and still am? But I didn't stoop to that level, I didn't blame you for everything. I took responsibility for my part. I didn't explode and go insane because I lost a good fuck and say that I wanted to kill you.

I told the truth. I apologized to her.

I never used somebody for some sick enjoyment. I didn't play two or three people at once. I didn't lie to you. I was nothing but kind and understanding, and said I would step out of the way if you would tell me to.

All I wanted was for that wonderful feeling to last until you were honest with me and told me we were done.

YOU should have been the one to call ME to tell ME we should have just been friends, you coward. You were still having sex with her, and knowing how I felt you should have been the one to end things before they started. But no, I was the one who told you that first. Because I tried to do the right thing. I considered how she would feel. I tried to put myself last. Yes. I failed. I was selfish. But I tried. I also said when it was over, without knowing what was going on with you. And I told her.

Three reasons I have and always will have more courage than you.

Maybe it's not a big deal to you because you never got me in bed. Well, I value my kisses. I'm selective about who gets them. And the first few are gone. You, of all guys, had that privilege. Knowing that makes me want to barf.

And now it's even harder to get you out of my head because you texted me again. Haven't you been hurtful enough?

Writer's Block: Life Changes

2009-04-15T20:11:26Z

What change have you made in your life that you're most proud of?