I'm twenty.

And I still want to watch Avatar and Disney movies and various other childish things.

I am going to lose my scholarship. I can't push myself.

I wish I had a million dollars. Then my parents would leave me alone about my grades.

This is very high school, I know. Maybe it's a result of being too studious too soon. I ran out of motivation in 8th grade either because I finally learned what it was like to have friends or I was doing too well before then and it couldn't last.

Maybe I'm just making excuses. The simple truth is, I am lazy. I hate it, but not enough to change it, and I hate that as well, thus making an unending unstoppable cycle of self-loathing.

I just want to write fiction and study the Bible and apologetics...apart from being on the internet and reading books.

Fact: I have overall been very happy this semester and I am grateful for my friends who are very dear to me.

Fact: There are times when I also feel very, very lonely.

Fact: Jesus Christ is my everything and the best Friend I will ever have because He loves me and has a plan for me and where I will end up, and I firmly believe that His love does not fail. He will always be there and He will always be watching over.

Fact: Even knowing that, being in a physical world I still struggle with this very lonely feeling.

Wow, much has happened since I was last on here.

Well, my friends Bailey, Christy, and Kayla stated the process of moving into the house, and since I'm still working I was just waiting on off-days to fully move in. Then I visited the house when the others were moving, and when I got there, a whole cleaning crew was working on the place while the others were painting their rooms.

This house was absolutely filthy. Dead bugs and cat hair and dirt everywhere, floor, stairs, and furniture. And the guys in the house before us had left a lot of stuff that they have yet to pick up. It should have been left clean and more bare, and actually the realty lady Ms. Letta should have made sure that the guys were doing a better job of moving out. We were supposed to be in there July 1 and there was still a guy in there the 16th! Good grief! And the owner could only be contacted by Letta's emails, which is of course sketchy. We went through a long pain-in-the-butt process to get in there to find a whole mess and way later than we should have.

Well, sometime a few days later I get down there to paint my room and I have my sister with me because she had no one to hang out with and I wanted to spend some time with her and I wanted her to meet my friends...because I am hopeless and want to spread and breed love and happiness and friendship. So I get to the house to look at my room and make final plans for what I want to do and grab a coupon I had left. Then the other girls get there (they had been at SOAR helping out for Ecclesia). I say hi and try to introduce my sister. Other than saying hi back and briefly noting my sister, they just blow by with all these shopping bags. They were really unfriendly, and I really didn't expect that. Out in the front yard I see Bailey and Brett and talk to them, ask if they need help. Bailey says they got stuff for the yard and are doing "group work," and indicates that it would be nice if I helped out. Ok, firstly thanks for letting me know that there were group projects going on. Secondly, I already had plans for working on my room. I really didn't appreciate the lack of communication there. I do admit that a couple times I said said I would be down to the house and showed up later than they probably expected. That's a bad habit of mine because I am a slow person in general. But if I had known they were doing that stuff, I would have made an earlier start on my room and tried to help them all out.

I told Bailey I needed to leave to get stuff for my room and she said to take my time. Then in the car my sister totally unloads this anger on my behalf and says that was the most high school thing that she had ever seen and that they should have talked to me more and let me know what their problem was if they had one. And she asked me a bunch of questions, like if they had known that I wasn't totally moving in yet which yes they did, and if we were all really friends. Yes, we were, though Kayla I don't know as well. My sis said if we were friends and Christians, we all should know to treat each other better and that they should be more upfront with me and communicate better. She didn't like a single one of them at that point. However, Bailey and Brett redeemed themselves in her eyes later when we had gotten back and they offered to help me paint and talked to me more. I also told everyone to let me know what other projects I could help with when I got back. So hopefully there won't be anymore of that crap. Though...

A couple days later I'm with my mom and sis and their friends, going to the beach. Bailey texts me to say that guess what, our house is being foreclosed on because the owner sold it on the freaking 7th and was going to take our money for as long as he could. That was a huge mess but it's working out now since Christy's dad is a judge  and longtime friends with the attorney handling the foreclosure, and the bank's leasing the house to us, and things are working out in our favor. But the former owner is a scumbag.

So things are working out. I kind of miss Rachel because I don't have that kind of unfriendly drama with her, but she doesn't really know the other girls as well so hopefully i haven't led her into something that she's going to regret. Sigh. It's times like these that Christy and Bailey seem kind of cold toward my other friends. Kayla doesn't seem to gel easily either. All these years I've been told about my ice-cold personality and how people think I'm such a snob because I'm not receptive to people and I'm unfriendly. I feel like they're being that way though, and really I just want all my friends to be happy and be friends with each other. I don't want this drama tension crap. Go away!

I miss my other friends too.

Sigh.

Thoughts, anyone

I got my wisdom teeth out, so I have a fat face.

Other than that, life feels pretty nice right now. I've been blessed with a lot. I'm lucky to be able to get good painkillers and other things I need. I have a lot of friends. I have a job and I can make money to get what I need. And in a couple of days I can eat real food again.

I'm pretty happy.

There are some things I will never understand. There are some things of which I am thoroughly convinced. There are lots of things I wish I could fix and wonder if I still can, or if I would just be causing more damage.

I feel awful. But I'm know what I did that was right, and I refuse to compromise that.

The papers for the house came. I'm glad. This is going to be expensive though. But I think it's going to be worth it.

I'm praying for a miracle every day.

I've had a cold, but I'm getting better.
Hurts are healing and I've found some closure.
Tomorrow I work 1 to 9.
Theraflu is good.

I am quite happy at this time.

The total absence of acne.

La la la.

I was getting tired of my job, but over the past week I've reached a level of comfort with it that surpasses all others in the past. This is probably because Bo, one of the managers, was on a few days' vacation. It's not that I don't like her, but I feel like she thinks I'm a moron. Few things go right for me when she is around, and new questions pop up that I feel like I should already know the answer to. I've been working there on and off about 2 and a half years, so I should have learned a lot...more than I do, it feels like. But there's some things I'm still picking up. There's things no one ever clued me in about. There's some situations that arise only every once in a while, so in between those times I forget how to respond. GAH! 'Tis frustrating. But I do like it, and I've become more comfortable with some people. And two other booksellers have told me they feel the same way about Bo. Yay. It's not just me. And I know she at least likes or tries to like me, because she gives me compliments on how well I do in the kids' section, etc.

Anyways, the point is I recently came to enjoy work a lot more, and Bo just makes me self-conscious but she has that effect on other people too. I think Gerry also thinks I'm a naive little idiot, but he enjoys telling me stories. What? The other day he asked me how I was doing, and I said "Great!" in an unusual way, and he asked, "Really, what's brought that on?" "Oh, I just feel good about life." And he laughed and muttered, "Young people." I'm starting to think he's just a bitter old fart, but I'm not going to let it bother me. I'm trying to be more open and friendly at work and cast off my natural shell of formality, so I'm just going to ignore things like that and try to radiate a more delightful energy.

And today I answered the phone at home and had to stop myself before I said "Barnes & Noble at Patton Creek, how may I help you? Lawl...my sister noticed too and was like o_0. So I kind of blanked out because I KNEW that wasn't the right thing to say, haha. I just said "...Hey." Which still wasn't what I would normally say, but better. And it was my mom on the phone. Ha.

Oh, work.

Now about things that are NOT work...

I finally finished The Catcher in the Rye and started on Jonathan Strange & Mr. Norrel. If it doesn't pick up soon I might drop it and move on. I have discovered by way of Eragon and Twilight that such a thing is quite alright and always an option if needed. Especially with the long wait list I have. So many books...

I am also so frustrated about a person I wish I could audibly speak to, who I wish would listen to everything I have to say and tell me everything I want to hear.

I want to be a stronger, smarter, better person.

I want to find someone. Sometimes I want it so much and it hurts. Other times I tell myself to do what I can to get along on my own. I want to feel how I did over Christmas break, but without the guilt, the anxiety, and knowing that I could so much better. I want someone I should be with, who would be good for me, and who loves the Lord like I do. I'm not messing with that other crap again. I'm not sacrificing standards or letting it slide. Yeah I feel lonely sometimes, but maybe I just need to refocus on something. Maybe God wants something extra out of me that I need to figure out. I have firm faith that everything will work out in His timing. And maybe what I want isn't what He wants. If so...I'll honor that.  

I've been convicted that I didn't really live out my convictions much during the school year. Some of them yeah...didn't ever get trashed, didn't really misbehave. But others I just should have spoken up more about. I'm too quiet. I need to use my voice. But then I wasn't quiet enough when I talked about certain people. I hate that I talk about people. There are so many things I hate about myself, you'd be convinced I have a complex.

Bah. Enough with late night rambling. And life is still good, I just think too much sometimes.

SpongeBob Squarepants

I'm sick of feeling inadequate and worrying about what others think. I would say "No more", but it's not that easy. It's hard not to worry about others thinking I'm some moron because I know to them that's their reality, that's what I really am. I shouldn't worry about it because I know that won't change and I can't do anything to change it. I just need to find something more important to focus on. I'm going to try really hard to make it like those people don't exist to me. I should just work on my strengths and do what makes me me instead of trying to fit someone's image of what I should be. When I think that way it's a lot easier to be content with who I am. Of course, that mindset is put to test when the challenging scenario arises, but that's how it goes. I suppose as I get older and mature it will become easier. It already has, actually. I've come a long way from the bitter shy girl I was in high school. Sometimes I kind of revert back to that, like at work when Bo is the working manager. Somehow she just brings out that side of me. Keith kind of does too. They both think I'm a child that can't learn anything, and it's hard to be friendly on a personal level with them. Oh well. Every day is a learning process.

I am disgusted with men lately. No one wants to be a leader, it seems. No one cares about proving themselves to anything more than a dick. Is it really so hard to be a genuine, compassionate human being with integrity? But like I said, I should find more important things to focus on.

I bought the movie Taken and my sister loves it like I do. We both want to have super-duper action moves like Bryan Mills. He is my new hero. And I want to take down the sex slave trade. Fairly ambitious, I know. But that's what I'll work for when I'm stinking filthy rotten rich.

I've worked on my novel a bit more recently. It's going somewhat slowly because I didn't have a clear picture of how I wanted the story to begin. I started out by just writing out random yet very vivid scenes that came to me and I didn't want to lose those or forget about them. I have quite a few of those, and my working summary. Now I'm trying to finish up the first and second chapters. After that things should go rather smoothly for a while, until I hit the next writer's block. Once I'm done with the first draft, I'll probably try to polish it a little, then let Mrs. Foster read it. I really want her to see the story since she's helped me a lot with my writing and my goals. I'm also scared that she's going to pass sometime soon because of her MS. She's retired now. I hope she's able to stick it out for a while. She's a wonderful person and she taught me a lot in high school.

to stop caring about a lot of crap and become a superspy with better things to do

Yes. No one should settle for less.

I had dinner at Panera with my friend John last night. We caught up, discussed what we're doing now, past drama, etc. It was really nice to talk to someone from high school who was a good friend and not the source of a whole bunch of drama from then. Talking with him made me realize that a lot of the things I've been holding onto don't matter.

It's something people have kept telling me, but honestly not everyone can hit me the way he did. I've tried telling myself the same thing, and they're just things I haven't been able to let go of. I guess it had something to do with old environments versus new ones. Being with an old friend from before everything that happened put things into perspective.

I don't mean that my newer friends don't mean anything to me. They are very valuable to me and I'm thankful for them and I like hearing what they have to say. John and I have just done a lot of changing together, and he's very mellow about some things but still sincere.

Anyway, life feels great. And now I have to leave for my biology class.

Finals are over, and now I'm cleaning out.

And my friends and I got the house we want to live in next year.

I should be rejoicing still, but I'm kind of tired, and there's so much stuff.

a favorite quote from Faye:

"Aw, boo! You're supposed to screw the Man! Screw him so hard he thinks he's a Lady!"

lolz

I love this web comic. I would say I love it too much, but such a thing does not exist.

The truth is, I feel useless and kind of alone.

Work sucks. I keep screwing up.

I want someone to talk to.

I know I keep saying Life is good, and I know that it really is, but I feel pretty down in the dumps right now. I want someone physically present to hug me. No stupid texting or IMing. I want someone to be close to. I want someone here with me so that I don't feel compelled to leave emo LiveJournal entries.

I feel like a moronic English major, and I am sure that my English professor does not at all like me.

But I am determined to do better.

I've reached a very happy place. Things are going right. I feel better than I've felt all semester. I've gotten over a huge bit of what was bothering me, and still trying to get over the rest. But I'm getting there.

With my academics though, I'm not feeling very driven. I feel stagnant, and like my feet are endlessly dragging the ground. I don't manage time, and any goals I set are immediately lost, it seems.

I guess I've always been a here and now person in that way. I wish to be more energetic and productive, but i don't make the effort and don't have the energy. I'm just like some bum sucking up space, just wanting to do whatever's fun. It shouldn't be that way. I know that's incredibly lazy. But that's how I feel right now.

omg...Okay so it's been planned a long time to dye my hair before seeing Wicked while it's in town. Black and lime green, like Elphaba's colors in the poster/logo/icon. We're dyeing it black and leaving some strips natural to spray in temporary lime green.

No permanent artificial color has ever touched a single hair on my head. I'm freaking out on the inside a little, or I was. I just rinsed out the little Hannah put in, and I think it's pretty so far.

There's definitely not enough dye because I have enough hair for five people on my head. So Hannah and Loran and Rachel are all at/ coming back from WalMart to get me more black dye. In my car. I forgot why, but Rachel's car....needs gas maybe.

<just realized that now would be the perfect time for the "Check Engine" light that has been on all week to become a problem>

0.0 ...Shiznit.

If my car breaks down while these guys are out using it to get hair dye for me at midnight, then they just became awesome to the next power.